I won't bore you with too many details about the party itself. I think I've already told you about it elsewhere. Suffice it to say, it was epic, and raging, and everything I thought it would be. It was the first time I ever heard Paul's Boutique. What was really important was what happened after the party. Through a combination of luck, strategy and fate, I got together with April. On the hood of Caleb's car, under the stars, while the earth seemed to tremble beneath us. I'm serious�right before we kissed I thought I felt an earthquake. But I didn't hear anything on the news the next day, so maybe I imagined it. I almost think I imagined it.
Love. Obviously, very soon, everybody. Maybe that was what this summer was about. The second summer of love, the first one occurring when I was only a year old, so I couldn't fully partake. There was something in the air, some spirit of epicness and even my own karma was being swept away, like Billy Duffy's squalling guitars spiraling off into infinity.
It seemed like something out of someone else's life, like a story Jake or Peter would tell me. Like I had gone through the looking glass into another reality. The next day, everything felt new and strange, like I was seeing it for the first time. I was happy, as happy as I had ever been, but at the same time, I had no idea what to do. I was so used to dealing with rejection, or wallowing in regrets, that success was a whole other problem. I needed advice, and I needed to tell someone about my triumph. So who better than my best friend, Helen? I had to work the Sunday night shift, and on the way to work, I stopped by Sunshine Records. The song was still playing in my head, the riff repeating in my head over and over, as I entered the store. Sure enough, she was working, but not behind the counter. Instead she was near the back, sorting through boxes of CDs below the bins.
"I have to get the new Beastie Boys album" I said to her.
"Sure," Helen replied. "I know we have it. I haven't heard it. Is it good?"
"Oh my god, it's amazing. I heard it at the party last night. After you guys left."
"How late were you there?"
"Very late. Until the end. Beyond the end. Beyond everything."
She stopped flipping through CD longboxes and looked up at me. Helen knew that I had something significant to tell her, since I was being so enigmatic.
"I'm sorry we had to leave. Jessica was tired."
"It's okay. It worked out well, actually."
"What do you mean? What is going on?" she said, standing up. "Just tell me, and stop smirking!"
"Okay, okay." Suddenly I found myself tongue-tied. I wasn't sure how to say it.
"Well, April and I...
I was kind of interested to see Helen's reaction. Would she be happy for me? Jealous? Think I was silly for being so happy about such a minor occurrence?
"What? Did you fuck her?"
"No," and I laughed. "No. But we did... we kissed."
"Really?" Helen said in a low, intrigued voice that thrilled me. She was, in spite of herself, impressed.
"Yeah, really. Never thought you'd see the day, huh?"
"No, I knew it would happen. If you tried."
"Yeah... you were right. You showed me the way."
Helen smiled at me, but she seemed troubled, and was biting her lower lip.
"What?" I asked.
"I'm happy for you. I'm psyched for you." She squeezed my shoulder. "But you should know... Jessica's kind of miffed at you."
"Why?!" I knew why, but I wanted to hear what Helen said, and I didn't want her to think I knew. I felt aggrieved, and I wanted Helen on my side.
"I'm just saying," Helen said. "I don't care... but you know, she's got kind of a thing about it. I don't know why." She seemed about to explain more, but then she stopped. I sensed motion near the front of the store, and Helen stiffened.
"Paul's back," she said, her manner suddenly impersonal. She started flipping through CDs again, trying to look busy.
"See ya" I said quietly, then moved away. I was sure that Paul must have recognized me, but he said nothing to me as I passed him. He started issuing Helen instructions and I headed to the Bs, trying to find the Beastie Boys. The CD was 14.99, which seemed outrageous. However, for 10.99 I could get the LP, which claimed to be a limited edition gatefold version, meaning it folded out to four panels.
Vinyl was less convenient than CD, but on the other hand, it was cooler. And the gatefold LP was much more striking than the CD�with a panoramic view of a New York street, including the store that gave the album it's name. Completely enigmatic�there was no band logo on it, or title, it was just the picture, like a Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd record. Enigmatic, letting the music speak for itself. Not trying to make you buy it, just being. I decided I had to have it.
I took it to the front, paid the other girl working that day, and walked out into the late afternoon light. I considered what Helen had told me about Jessica being mad at me. My memories of that period of the evening before were hazy... how far had I gone? What had I said? I just remembered being irritated, and pushed over the edge, feeling like I'd had enough of Helen and Jessica criticizing me, like they wanted me to stay single forever, just so they could have me around as a mental punching bag. Had I actually said that? Had I finally gotten wasted enough to lose control?
I didn't really want to have to talk to Jessica about our little tiff. I should explain at the party the night before she's been asking me these questions about April that I didn't really answer, and I got kind of brusque with her. Unusual for me, I almost felt like I was being belligerent. I wasn't proud of that, but at the same time, I felt like she deserved it. I knew she worked with teenage girls, and I knew that some of them got fucked over by older guys, but that was so far from the situation with me and April, that any comparison was ridiculous. And as the night had proved, Jessica had nothing to fear, all I'd done was kiss her, and who knows if anything would ever happen between us again. I resented her intrusion, resented the fact that she could have jeopardized my taking such an important step in my life. I didn't understand what her motivation could be, even if she did believe what I was doing was wrong, was it worth ruining my evening to say what she had? I just felt too happy and excited to really deal with it, like worrying about it was part of the old life I had left behind early that morning, when I kissed April. I felt like I should be exempt from her concerns about the age difference�it was not such a really big deal. Minor compared with the magnitude of me getting together with someone. Something Jessica had encouraged me to do many times.
As I walked to the theater, I realized that I was going to see April again soon, and that I had no idea what was going to happen when I did. Had what had happened between us been significant that we were now a "couple"? would we hold hands, do everything together, annoy other people with our PDA? I hoped not. I just couldn't see us being that way, like Helen and Todd. Being so "official." What had happened between had been magic, but we had also been alone. All of our closest moments happened when we were one on one. I imagined us acting like a couple in the lobby of the Movies I & II, and an involuntary bark of laughter escaped my lips, and an older woman gave me a strange look. No, it seemed like our thing had to be kept under wraps. Our love, or whatever you wanted to call it. Not love, not an affair, not a relationship. Our connection, our thing. Our attachment.
In a way , I was relieved she was going away for a while. It lessened the pressure to keep the momentum going. I would miss her, of course, the excitement I felt in her presence, but at the same time, I almost liked the idea of whatever it was that was going to happen between us being vaguely in the future, instead of an imminent reality. I wasn't even sure I'd see her again before she left for Oregon. She wasn't on the schedule�I had checked.
I remembered that I was working usher. For only the third time ever at thte Movies I & II. When I had first started, Pete had scheduled me twice as usher, but once it got really busy after Lethal Weapon 2 opened, and Pete realized I could do inventory and count the money, I�d been scheduled for snack for every shift. After the first month the theater had calmed down and so Pete started scheduling me as usher again.
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